To return to the nonexistent part I suppose includes the idea that He isn't interested or is incapable of being interested in me personally. This is a pretty big tertius quid. It's also perhaps the most revolutionary part of Christ's teaching. That He makes the sun to shine on the just and the unjust alike is evidence of mercy, not indifference or weakness.
I suppose I've only seen the edges of God's power. I've spoken to a few people who've experience spontaneous, inexplicable (if you rule out grace) healing. I've noticed in my own life that I've pretty much received everything I've asked for that didn't require a specific change of will on the part of others, and much that did. The caveat being, when I asked with pure heart, which is a moving target related to my evolving understanding of what holiness actually is.
"That love," as Kurt puts it, the burning, passionate, pure, jealous, terrible, wonderful, above all good love that I'm just starting to know, that love that more than answers this prayer:
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.
that love, for the sake of which, in the hope of which
they were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword: they wandered about in sheepskins and goatskins; being destitute, afflicted, tormented; (Of whom the world was not worthy:) they wandered in deserts, and in mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth.
that love that led without turning or wavering to a Garden that wasn't Eden, to a very unlikely lifting up, to a rich man's tomb, and if the writer of Hebrews is believed, to Hell itself; that's the love I can't get out of bed for. That's the love I can't remember when someone hurts me, when darkness falls over me, when exhaustion or fear or boredom make me open to all the worthless indulgence in the world. That's the love that won't leave in the self-centered unlife of the last sentence, that gives me use and opportunity, each day anew. That's the love that would make not only a son of God by fiat, but by worth.
P.S.-1)I believe I shall leave to next weak the difficulties I've perceived in Monism and Pantheism. 2)Yes I know I need an editor. It's ok if don't want to listen in on this. Now's a good time to start helping if you do but you're aggravated by the cloudiness.